The Tao of Charlie Brown

One of my favorite Charlie Brown quotes is, "Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." Although Charlie Brown was considered a blockhead by his peers, he was oh so wise. He had a heart as big as Texas. His quest for love from the Little Red Haired Girl always made me cheer him on. Come on Chuck! Go for it! Don't sit on the side lines any longer. So easy to say when you are not Charlie Brown. So easy to say when you are sure of where you stand in a relationship. Not so easy to say or do when you know you are standing on sand, not solid ground. I love peanut butter, especially chunky, but lately Charlie Brown is right, the flavor just ain't there.

The one thing good ol’ Chuck and I do not agree on is that I don't quite believe in unrequited love. You cannot be "in love" with someone if that love is not reciprocated. I hold tight to that thought even due to recent events. I do believe you can deeply love and care for someone; knowing that if the relationship continues down a specific path you see yourself easily falling in love.

The phrase "falling in love" is so appropriate. The realization that you are free falling, willing to let yourself be at your most vulnerable to someone, is freakin’ frightening as there are no nets in the high wire circus act of love. Whether reciprocated or not, your life, with one little realization, is about to be inextricably altered forever and always. Bye-bye comfort zone. Hello, doubt, uncertainty and insecurity. If a relationship has grown to this intensity, there most likely is a deep level of caring (and possibly love) reciprocated. But is it at the level you want or need? Is it at the level where your partner is willing to swing by on their trapeze and catch you as you fall?

For me, relationships always start better with friendship. The majority of my closest dating relationships began as friends. I cannot imagine caring for someone, or falling in love with someone without being friends first. Shared likes and dislikes, common interests and a deep respect for them as a human being are all foundations for friendship and sometimes, eventually, love. Build a relationship on anything less is akin to erecting a high-rise on sand. It will shift and tumble before the ground work is complete. I should know to trust the "friendship first rule". I first broke the "friendship first rule" when dating my ex-husband. And since “ex” is part of his current notoriety my explanation should be self explanatory.

Sometimes, though, relationships start backwards. You can’t help it. There is an immediate attraction that takes on a whole life of its own. The foundation is not built with bricks. The foundation is not really built at all. It’s as if the contractors decided to construct the middle 10 stories of a high-rise because that was the fun part and they liked working on those floor plans and interior design of those rooms. They want to do the fun stuff first. Then in a "d'oh!” slap on the head, what the hell have we done moment, the contractors realize nothing exists on which to stand their creation. They have to scramble and build the foundation. What once was feasible becomes extremely tricky and difficult to manage.

If both parties are willing, a plan can develop to backtrack and build that foundation. What once would have been simple and a beautiful natural progression turns into a difficult and awkward undertaking. The building can still be built, but due to strikes (wrestling with their own inner demons), labor negotiations (needing more or less than what each is capable of giving), revised architectural plans (logistics) and walk-outs (no longer available) both contractors need to be invested in the project at hand to restore balance to the building’s development. If one is unwilling, for whatever reason, no amount of bricks will stabilize the sand that has filtered into the groundwork and your relationship is going to fall like a high-rise built without pylons.

Where constructing a building is fairly black and white, love is not. In fact one needs a spectroscope to measure the variances and nuances of love. The music industry would be non existent if there were not a plethora of interpretations on love and its many different forms.

In my most recent relationship, neither of us believed in working on two projects simultaneously.  Although we were both one building at a time contractors, an exclusivity clause was never discussed in detail or written in our partnership.  It was more inherent in our personalities and beliefs.  We could peruse other buildings or land.  Be aware of what was out there.  But neither one of us believed in renovating floor plans on more than one building at a time.  So, when I learned my contracting partner had moved on to another project I was immensely bothered.  In reality though, our union negotiations had been at a stand still for months and although our foundation had the support beams of respect, admiration, appreciation and a form of love in place, things were still a bit shaky. Too shaky to engineer the placement of those 10 floors we renovated months ago.  It was going to take some pretty strong armed union tactics and a knowledgeable architect to bring this building to code and neither parties were in agreement. Rationally his moving on to another project made sense. Yet, I could not grasp why I was so angry and hurt.

Anyone who knows me knows my mind is moving 24/7. I contemplate everything ad nauseum. If you think it is frustrating knowing I think too much, just think about what it is like in my brain. It. Is. ExhaustING! Yet no one was more surprised than me when I realized my building was crumbling, union negotiations had failed and holy crap, the reason I was so upset is that I was free falling with no one on the trapeze to catch me. OK…there was one person more surprised than I, and I will get back to him shortly.

This epiphany happened while walking down Jackson Blvd. during rush hour, mid step on the way to the office causing a minor pedestrian pile up in front of Sears Tower. (I refuse to call it Willis. Refuse. I tell you.) Not a wise place to stop mid step. People were not pleased. Well if they knew what I was thinking, they would have known that I was not pleased either. Was I really falling? Had I fallen? Did I really care that much? Did he feel the same? My answers were in order: Yes. Quite possibly. Most definitely. Not a snowballs chance in hell. If he felt the same the new project would not exist.

My life, with that one little thought, was inextricably altered forever and always.

Bye-bye comfort zone.

Hello, doubt, uncertainty and insecurity.

Crap.

I was suddenly Charlie Brown in love with the Little Red Haired Girl and knew why he was on the side lines, why peanut butter lost its flavor, why he felt so vulnerable and why he was paralyzed with fear. 

Still holding true to my belief that you cannot be in love without that feeling reciprocated, I realized you can still deeply love and care for someone. You can love and trust their friendship. Know and love their quirks and uniqueness. You can love how they look at life, love their strength of character, their honesty and how they treat others. You can respect them immeasurably. You can even respect how they convey the fact that they do not share the same deep feelings for you.

Some may consider that last statement pathetic. To me, not at all. As long as a breakup is not due to betrayal or abuse of any type and if the person can tell you their thoughts and feelings while taking into consideration how you will react, then you cannot do anything but wish them well. I won't lie to you.  The message is still going to hurt. Believe me, when the band aide is finally ripped off, there is a sting, a kicked in the gut, son of bitch that hurts reaction. But truth be told, because your foundation maintains the cornerstones of respect, appreciation, admiration and love, they are going to convey their feelings gently being mindful of the bruise in your heart.

And that is what happened. With love and respect we were honest with each other. We both regret how we handled aspects of our relationship. He does not seem uncomfortable with my revelation and I wish him well. How could I not?  The sting, kicked in the gut, son of a bitch that hurts reaction is still there. It will ease up eventually.  I also learned there is a net when it comes to free falling and thinking you are not going to be caught. It arrives in the form of friends and family who love you.

On-Line Dating

On-line dating in a 3 ring circus.

As one of the masses in the ever growing breed of single parents, it appears that I am way too busy to meet people and find the time to date. As an example, I work full time, am attempting a part time career in real estate in an abysmal market, plus try to be around for the kids and occasional house hold chores. Martha Stewart would be very ashamed of my house. A friend at work told me that he thought I needed a wife. I'd really prefer a sugar daddy!

I once read an article about places to meet men besides the bar scene. Some suggestions included your children’s school, a home improvement or grocery store and volunteer efforts. Speaking from the trenches let me dispel the rumors to these myths.

The idea of meeting a single, interesting guy at a PTO meeting, or at any school function only happens in sitcoms and contrived romance novels. From my experiences, stay at home moms are generally the only ones attending PTO meetings since these meetings are inconveniently scheduled during the day or immediately after school. As for school functions…please! If you are volunteering at a school fundraiser, you are so busy organizing games, taking tickets, corralling kids, or giving out prizes that you can’t even think about what intriguing person is around and if they are single, interesting, or interested.

As for house projects, the times that I have been working on home improvement projects, do you realistically think I’m going to walk into Home Depot with make-up freshly applied? NO!! If I am working on the house, my hair is pulled back in a pony tail, I’m in a grungy t-shirt or sweatshirt and am on a mission to find what I need and to get back to the project. The whole time I am praying I don't make a fool out of myself as my knowledge of home improvement projects is extremely low and my vocabulary of materials necessary for said home improvement projects is non-existent. Example: a molly to me is not a plastic doohickey placed in a wall to secure a towel rod. To me, Molly is an American Girl Doll. That said, picture me in grungy clothes - possibly showered - possibly not - hair up in a pony, sans make-up, trying to sound intelligent about widgets and whatsits necessary to fix whatever is falling apart at the house. There isn't a guy on this earth that would find me attractive while I'm trying to comprehend/translate the foreign language the Home Depot employee is speaking. This summer while redecorating my bathroom, I had white and lavender paint in my hair and on my hands for weeks. This was not the time for me to meet anyone unless they had a paint fetish and I am unsure that I want to date someone with a paint fetish.

Lately, the grocery store could possibly be an option. The men that I have met all love to cook. I could probably get (and probably could use) a few pointers. Lately, though, when I am shopping I am flying through the store doing my best impersonation of Flash Gordon. How fast can I get in and out the door? I do a lot of volunteer work, but have yet to meet any single men, or even married men for that matter. It seems as if I always meet women.

So, now that I have dispelled the rumors of where you can meet men, I have attempted to once again on-line date. Back in February I vowed never to attempt it again. In hindsight, never is a pretty strong term and, well, I would really like to meet someone to share my life. My attitude now with on-line dating is that if I meet someone, great. If I don't, it is a source of entertainment and amusement. I've been single for a very long time, yet I know what I want and refuse to accept anything less.

My first foray into on-line dating was January 1, 2007. Here was a brand new year full of possibilities, so why not? I met Mark that day. We met through a local dating site created by a Chicago woman. We both tried it out because it was free. We chatted for a couple of weeks, had many similarities, hit it off, but neither of us were ready to date. Mark for his own reasons. For me, I realized I never allowed myself to heal a long time ago. During my marriage, I shut myself down emotionally and 9 years later couldn't quite figure out how to be the "me" I am with my close friends or when I am hiding behind my keyboard. Basically, one-on-one I was rather stunted. I tried chalking it up to really great guy...really bad timing for both of us, but the fact that I felt as if I was 2 different people bothered me immensely.

There was the confident, witty, charming "me" that Mark met on-line. Then there was this other "in- person me" who was nervous and petrified. When I was married, I was constantly criticized, and therefore extremely insecure. Now, 9 years later, I found those old insecurities emerging again when they were supposed to be banished years ago. Old demons are extremely difficult to exorcise. They must require industrial strength holy water.

Although the relationship was very brief (ya think?), it was a catalyst of self discovery for me. By meeting Mark, I realized how much of an emotional nutball I truly was. There will always be some nuttiness to my personality. That's part of my charm and quirkiness which I completely embrace. Thankfully, though, I am a million times more emotionally stable than I was at the beginning of the year. Believe me, one could only go up from where I was.

So, with laptop in hand, I decided to give it one more try. I signed up with two sites and now that I know which one I like best, I am trying to figure out how to cancel the other. It sure is easy to sign up, but dang...trying to cancel requires an act of God.

I initially tried eHarmony, but realized I am way to shallow and time crunched for this site. Technically, if you are to participate in eHarmony correctly, you read each lengthy profile and decide if they are for you. In a perfect world, it is the perfect way to go about this, but in a time crunched life where you are just sitting down at the computer at 10:30PM the last thing I want to do is read lengthy profiles that may determine my fate. I neither have the time, nor the inclination to go through all of that work when I am bleary eyed from the day. I also realized that I'd be flipping through the bios and only reading the bios of the cute guys. Thankfully, they have a 7 day trial policy. So on the 7th day, I called to cancel. The customer service agent did her best schpeil on me; trying to convince me not to cancel. So finally when she asked what the main reason was for my cancellation I explained that I am too busy and way too shallow. She was speechless...but cancelled my subscription.

The two sites that I am now on are national sites - in fact one is an international site - someone emailed me from London. You meet a variety of people and would be amazed by some of the bios and emails. I honestly cannot take anyone seriously who starts out a letter to me with, “What’s up Sugar Buns?!” Or the guys from TX, FL, NC, HI or London who want to date. Really, I can barely schedule time to date someone within 30 miles of my zip code, so it's insanity to even think about dating someone across the country…or either ocean for that matter. Rarely do I respond to the out of state ones. With my luck, I'd fall for the guy in North Carolina which would require a long distance thing I don’t want to deal with. Besides, a judge once informed me that I could move to any state of my choice, but my "minor children shall reside in the same state in which their father resides until they are 18." So, unless Mr. TX, FL, NC, or HI want to move to Chicago, we don't have much of a future for the next 6 years. Although a trip to HI might just be what the doctor ordered. I DEFINITELY did not respond to the “Sugar Buns” guy.

There are also men (and I am sure women as well) who only want "an immediate intimate/physical relationship" (yes, that was actually taken from an email). Wow...I don't want to know how many women on-line have taken him up on that request. Ewww!!! Sorry, Babe! We're not even meeting for coffee unless you have a notarized medical report dated today that states you are disease free. I'm not a prude, but I'm not stupid either!

I am also learning that some things never change. The guys that I would love to ask me out, never do. One guy was very interesting. He taught at a prestigious local university and had been published. He gave enough information in his profile that I was able to google him to determine his validity. What he stated appeared to be true. He was an all around intriguing would love to spend the rest of my life with him, or at least meet him for coffee, kind of guy. Our profiles are very similar and so I emailed him. Just a brief note (strategically leaving out the wanting to spend the rest of my life with him part), but mentioned baseball and a few things we do have in common. NOTHING…not even a sorry, your not my type, or I only date blonds response. Just nothing. Crap! I felt as if I was back to high school all over again…liking the unattainable guy.

The kids are actually having fun with the idea of me dating. They are both old enough now and would like me to start dating. My guess is they think if I am occupied, they don’t have to check in as much. Little do they realize I am a master at multi-tasking. A few weeks ago I actually had a date (and hell hadn't even frozen over!). It was the same night as Kat's homecoming. So while I was dropping her off, Kat informed me that she would call after the dance. If I was having a great time, she would find another ride home. If I was having a bad time, she would ask me to pick her up. Nothing like having your 14 year old watch your back! Thanks Baby! He was walking me to my car when she called, so I picked her up…and never heard from him again. Which was OK by me. Nice guy, but absolutely no spark.

I've been skewered by well meaning relatives and friends because I am looking for a spark. Is that so wrong? I want my heart to flutter, my stomach to have butterflies and to feel that spark...not the burning of Atlanta (yet)...just a spark. "Give it time. A spark could appear. Don't discount someone so quickly." Granted, my instincts have never been spot on when it comes to relationships, but I need to feel something. Anything. Whoever I meet, I plan to proceed with caution. Jumping to the finish line, has disaster written all over it. But whoever this elusive man is, he needs to be intelligent, kind, honest, funny, creative and who makes my stomach do somersaults when he calls, emails, or when I just think of him. I want to be twitterpated. On top of all of that we need to feel a mutual spark. Maybe I live in a dream world. Maybe I've watched too many romantic comedies. I don't care. That is what I am looking for. I know that spark exists. Although a rare feeling, I felt it back in January. It is attainable. I want that feeling and won't settle for something less.

The kids are also fun to goof around with regarding dating. At dinner the other day, there was a lull in the conversation and I felt like instigating a bit. It was after I emailed the university/published guy who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, or at least meet for coffee, but before I realized there would be absolutely no response, I told the kids that I met their future step-dad. I mentioned it as Adam had his fork to his lips and he almost choked on his dinner. It’s always good to keep the kids on their toes. Jeez, they do it to me enough…I might as well reciprocate! I later told Adam it was payback for the time when he was 7. He had heard the words humping and french-kissing on the playground and asked me their meaning just as I placed a fork full of rice in my mouth. I think I aspirated rice at that question and nearly choked to death! Anyway, this time around the look on Adam’s face was priceless. I then explained that I emailed a guy, but had not heard back from him. They think their mom is a bit weird. That's fine. They're a little weird themselves. It's genetic.

Adam would actually love to have another male around, so he is all for his mom dating as long as my dates are interesting, artistic in some way and fun. Works for me. At least he's not walking around with a picture of me in his backpack like Kat did when she was six. She would walk up to men with picture in hand and say, "Want to meet my mom?"

There are perils to Internet dating though. I actually ended up with my own on-line stalker. He kept emailing me through the site telling me he wanted to be my "forever friend", sending me emails telling me how beautiful I was (so he also obviously needs glasses) and giving me his phone number. Thankfully, they do protect your information. After 6 emails in 48 hours, I contacted the site and filed a complaint. I also, blocked him from viewing and contacting me. I realize he may just be a very lonely man and could be harmless, BUT it can be a bit unnerving. So, you have to be careful how much information you put out there. Heck, I was able to google the published guy just by the info in his bio. As in any other circumstance, you never know who you are going to meet. It can be scary.

So...this foray into Internet dating, or just dating in general, will be interesting. I can log on at my leisure, test the waters and learn about myself at the same time all the while staying away from those that start out with "What's up Sugar Buns!" yet looking for that intangible spark.

Dating in a 3-ring Circus

In the 9 years since my divorce, I can honestly say that I have only been on a handful of dates...7 to be exact. Yeah, you read that right, 7 (seven). That doesn't even average out to one a year. And 4 of them have been in 2007. A banner year if you ask me.

Even in my teens and twenties I didn't date much. It always seemed that my romantic relationships evolved from friendships. I would be really good friends with someone and we took the relationship to the next level. Oddly, I've stayed friends with each and every one of these men. Even odder, the only man that I ever actually "dated" (until now) was my ex-husband and, well, we know how that turned out. Although we too keep in contact, if the kids weren't involved, we would have gone our separate ways never looking back.

So, dating has never been my strong suit. But now, I am a month away from my 46th birthday and I realize that if I ever want to share my life with a man, I'm going to have to change my ways and learn how to date.

The sad fact is that both of my children have better social lives than their mom...and Adam isn't even allowed to date yet. Kat has always had a posse of boys flocking around the house. It's not that the boys all had crushes on her. Kat just easily gets along with boys better than girls. Kat, being the anti-girl girl, was never into pink, never understood girl drama, hated dresses and for a brief time if she wore make-up it was thick black eyeliner, black lipstick and nail polish. Thankfully, the black lipstick was short lived and the black eyeliner thinned out. But the black nail polish is still her polish of choice. What I'm trying to say is that she never paid attention to the typical female thinking. She dressed the way she wanted. Looked the way she wanted and during junior high we had, on any given day, at least 8-10 boys in our basement...Kat's boys.

Can you believe that I've actually gone to my daughter about dating advice? I haven't a clue as to what men think. How men think? And sometimes IF men actually think. Although I am completely missing that ability, Kat understands men better than anyone I know. She can't spell to save her soul, but when it comes to the opposite sex, Kat, although not quite 15, is quite sage. Besides, who needs to know how to spell when there is spell check? But understanding men will help her in the long run - whether its with her brother, father, uncles, cousins, business or romantic relationships. Understanding men is important and a skill I seriously lack.

Although having a teenage dating sensai is great, dating while having children and parent underfoot always lends itself to be a little more interesting. Three summers ago, a friend decided to set me up on a blind date. The guy, Paul, was a Chicago cop. We talked on the phone a few times, seemed to get along well, so he asked me out to dinner. He specified casual. Fine with me. We decided to go to Palmers, a local restaurant known for burgers and beer.

Kat and Adam both knew that I was going on a date. It was a perfect summer evening - not too hot, nor humid - and since we were the "it" house that summer, every tween within a mile radius was hanging out in our yard. I pulled into the driveway to find it resembling a bike shop. There were probably 8-10 bikes in the driveway which meant there were a minimum of 10 kids (not including mine), plus a few stragglers that walked everywhere. GREAT!!! Nothing like getting ready with a million children underfoot.

So, I ran downstairs to find about 16 kids in my basement. Said hi to everyone and ran upstairs to get ready. Kat and Adam knew Paul was arriving around 7, so at 6:30 they all ran into our front yard. Since we are on a cul de sac of sorts there is a large area where they can play without being in traffic. So, there were kids throwing Frisbees, some playing catch, others hoola hooping and still more jumping on our trampoline in the back yard. I was informed they were all outside to give me a thumbs up, or down, when Paul arrived. How nosy (sorry...I mean...sweet) of them. I was nervous to begin with and hadn't been on a date in over 3 years. Suddenly my front lawn looked like the local orphanage.

That summer the group Fountains of Wayne had a song called, "Stacey's Mom" about a mom that was so hot all the boys in the area would mow any lawn, paint any fence, just to get her attention. It's rare for me to ever consider myself hot. Call it low self esteem, realistic, or just not part of my thought process. Whatever you want to call it, when you haven't been on a date in years, it is hard to consider yourself hot, or sexy. Nervous, yes. Excited, probably. Wanting to throw up...definitely. Sexy, probably not. But after I got dressed - definitely casual in khaki and sandals - I went outside to see if the kids could at least be less chaotic (fat chance). The "orphans" did serenade me with their version of "Kat's mom's got it really going on". They were sweet...even cute...but secretly, I wanted them all to disappear and they weren't going anywhere. Not much happens in this little town and my date was the biggest news to these kids. We really need to upgrade their standards and my social aspirations.

So, Paul pulls up in his Jeep; avoiding bikes and softball players. Kat's friend Ashley flew in the front door to give me a thumbs up and then ran back outside. After saying hi, I inform him that only two are mine. The rest are "visiting". We get in his jeep where he expertly dodges 4 different kids while backing out of the driveway. Yes, I was mortified.

We go out for burgers and beer. Perfectly casual, although he informs me that I am way overdressed. He's in khaki shorts, a polo and flip flops. I wasn't dressed much better, but that comment was a hint of the evening to come. Dinner was a disaster. As liberal as I am, he is conservative. Paul hates "everyone equally". I believe in giving everyone a chance. To him people are guilty until proven innocent. So that's how our justice system works? I always wondered. He hates gays. I have many friends who are gay. There is not one area on which we agreed. After many years in public relations I have the ability to chat with the best of them and have superficial down to perfection, but this evening it took all I had not to dump my beer on his cynical little head and walk the 3 miles home. When dinner was over, there was no pretense of lets go for a walk or let's have another beer. He paid the check, walked me to his Jeep and drove me home.

This is where the evening continues to slide the slippery slope towards devastation. It is now dark as we pull into my driveway where the majority of bikes have cleared out. There are just a few stragglers scattered on the lawn. Every light in the house is out, but there are candles lit in the living room. Our front window has 20 small panes of glass making 20 little shelves. Yes...there was a candle lit on every little shelf and additional candles scattered throughout the living room. Damn my candle addiction! With the right guy it would have looked amazing. With this guy, I wanted to die. Kat, Adam and the left over "orphans" decided to add a little ambiance to our "romantic" date. This man was in no mood for romance. He couldn't get rid of me fast enough. Finally! It was the one subject on which we both agreed. As he walked me to the door, I looked at him and said, "Welcome to my world." He said good night, turned around and left. Never to be seen again.

Little did I know that there were 8 heads peering out the windows. Kat and her friend Cory were fighting over who could look out the peephole of the front door. When I walked in the house the one question they all demanded was how come he didn't kiss me goodnight. Which lead me to the lecture of kissing and dating etiquette. (Like I really knew dating etiquette - it was my first flippin' date in 3 years!)

The friend that set us up called a few days later. It appears that Paul didn't have a problem with my kids or the craziness of my household. His one complaint was that she didn't tell him I was a %$#$ liberal!

That evening cured me of dating for about another year. The following June I went out on my next date with someone who went to my high school and graduated a year before me. We had mutual friends who thought we met somewhere during our high school years. If we did, neither of us made a decent impression as we didn't remember each other. We re-met(?) at Jane's birthday/Cinco de Mayo party. I'm a sucker for a guy who can make me laugh. I asked him out.

The weekend of the date, the kids went with their father to Northern Wisconsin for a week and my mom left for Kentucky to visit friends. The house was all mine for 5 whole days. I had plans set up for every night - my date, dinner with a friend from college, the opportunity to be in a friends music video which was being filmed in a biker bar, and just relaxing without having to account to anyone about anything. I could run through the house naked if I so desired. The possibilities were endless.

So, while getting ready for my date, I received a phone call from our friends in Kentucky. Donna informed me that my mom passed out upon arriving and an ambulance took her to the local hospital. Donna promised to keep me posted. I gave her my cell number and told her to call when she knew more. As I was walking to the bar, Tracey, the nurse at this itty-bitty hospital in London, KY, which I later realized wasn't qualified to give out band aids, called to ask me a variety of questions about my mom. Tracey questions scared me. I knew this was all very serious. Here I was hundreds of miles away; unable to do anything. So, I plunked myself down in the middle of the side walk and gave Tracey doctors' phone numbers, health information and any other information I could pull from my brain; mentally telling myself that I need to be a bit more aware of the medication my mom took. The doctor's weren't sure if my mom had a stroke, or needed a pace maker...yeah...not only was the hospital not qualified to give out band aids, I'm not sure if they were qualified to take a temperature. Anyway, Tracey said they could not tell if my mom had a stroke until they looked at her "skin". After a while, I finally asked Tracey what my mom's skin had to do with knowing whether she had a stroke. I don't have a medical degree, but checking her skin seemed very odd. That's when I realized we were experiencing a bit of a language barrier. Because of Tracey's southern drawl, I realized she had been saying "scan" as in CT scan. Oops. Sorry! OK, well once the doctor reads her "skin" please call me.

I then proceeded to call both of my brothers. Reached one, left a message for the other. I then walked in the bar...very late...for a date. I explained what happened and told him that my cell phone needed to hang out with us all evening. Anytime it rang with a Kentucky area code, or my brothers' phone numbers, I left the noisy bar to get, or give, information; each time hoping Tracey could tell me what Mom's skin said.

What a sweet guy! In between phone calls he'd ask for updates and then we proceeded to chat about anything else to keep my mind off of my mom...until the next phone call. He understood that there wasn't much I could do. I even suggested I could go home and wait for the calls, but honestly, it was nice to have some company while waiting for Tracey's next call. He even offered to help me find flights to Kentucky. Unfortunately, that was the last I've seen of him except for bumping into him at Jane's. Can you blame him?! In fairness, when we met, he was already in the process of moving to Michigan, but it's easy to blame the events of that night on no follow up calls. As of now, I believe he splits his life between Michigan and here. Rumor has it that he prefers women 20 years younger. Although I have been told I look younger than my 45 years and have been carded twice this year - a nice ego boost - even if the people who carded me had to have been legally blind - I don't look that young. And so I moved on.

As for Mom, I flew down for a rescue mission and one brother followed a day later. The skin(scan) showed she had a stroke and the events of our rescue mission will be saved for another writing.

But on to the perils of dating. The first date, although doomed before it began, the kids made me feel as if I was living in a TV sitcom. The second date, Mom unknowingly sabotaged, but he was moving and I wasn't in his preferred age range. And for the next guy (victim?), I didn't need any help messing things up. I did that completely on my own and quite successfully, I might add. Needing to be fair to myself, it was a mutual messing up as we both had "stuff" to deal with, but this one is still a bit too raw to write about. Not because of any one thing that happened, but due to the fact that after meeting Mark I realized there are some issues that were never dealt with after my divorce. I never let myself heal 9 years ago. And because of that, life blew up in my face in 2007.

There is a phrase I used after my divorce called the Cleopatra Syndrome - Queen of Denial. Yeah...I know...it's a really bad pun, but it fits. It was easier to ignore all that happened, immerse myself into being a single parent with 2 extremely young children than deal with the negative in my life. I ignored as much as I could because if I paid attention to what really happened in my marriage the pain would be too great. How do you care for two small children while grieving and hurting? Denial was easier. Maybe at the time it was self preservation. I'm not sure. I just know I focused on loving and raising Kat and Adam to the best of my abilities. It was more important to me that they knew they were loved and protected at all costs. Now that they are older its time to work on me - a definite work in progress. But, aren't we all?

It wasn't until I met Mark that I realized I was pretty much an emotional train wreck. It must have taken to actually have feelings for someone to figure out how scarred and scared I am. He accounts for the majority of my dates this year. As fleeting as the relationship was, I miss him and think of him often. He touched a part of my heart that hadn't been touched in a very long time. I actually thought that part of my heart was dead and buried. He made me realize it wasn't. It's a nice fact to know. I have yet to watch a Bears game, or see a picnic basket, without thinking of him. They are all good thoughts.

But...now I need to heal (ugh!). In hindsight, I wish I would have taken the time to heal a few years ago, but don't think I was ready then. I would love to share my life with a man and look forward to that actually happening one day, but before I do, there is more healing to do and probably another act or two in my 3-ring circus.